On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
