dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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