i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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