just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Green mimosas i think yes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
