So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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