Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
