I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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