I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
