You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
