You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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