so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
