I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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