You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
