My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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