i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
