You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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