Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
