Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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