Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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