Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
