I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
