You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
