Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
