I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
