he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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