My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
