barbara walters just said penis...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
