We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
my poor anus
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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