One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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