I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
