Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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