Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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