I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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