at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
