Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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