I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
