I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize