Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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