you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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