why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
