I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
