Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Are my feet made of real feet?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
