Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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