He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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