NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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