u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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