I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
