you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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