she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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