Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
