I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
