She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
