I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
